The reason
by iargyrop
Summary: I was listening to the reason by hoobstank and this song fic just came to me. Hope you like it.
1. The reason

Disclaimer: The only things I own are my imagination and inspiration. Hope you all like it!!!

"So you think I'm being stupid?" Marissa asked Ryan nervously. "Rissa it's not my place to judge or question. If you think you need to go, then go. If you think you can stay, then stay." Ryan explained. "I just wanted to tell you now, before graduation. I think you at least deserve that much. You deserve to know that this is not about you. It's about me and my needs for once." Marissa explained, brushing a strand of her hair out of her face. "I know that. How about we go graduate, and we can talk afterwards?" Ryan proposed. "Let's do this all together." Summer proposed, wrapping her hand around Marissa's shoulder, smiling broadly. "Let's go." Ryan agreed, a smile on his face.

_I'm not a perfect person_

_There's many things I wish I didn't do_

_But I continue learning_

_I never meant to do those things to you_

_And so I have to say before I go_

_That I just want you to know_

"So, you're really doing this? I mean going to Greece with your dad?" Summer asked nervously. "I have to Sum. I have to find myself, and I can't do it here. I have to do it alone." Marissa responded. "So what am I going to do without you?" Sum asked, tears in her eyes. "Well, I'm not gone yet, am I? We still have tonight. Come on guys." Marissa ordered, pulling on Ryan's hand. The four friends ended up spending the night at the model home, sitting around and talking about the past, the present and the future. "So you'll come back here eventually? Ryan asked. "I will. I promise I will." Marissa responded seriously. "Can I ask one last favor of you?" Ryan asked embarrassingly. "Whatever you want." Marissa agreed. "Can I take you to the airport? You were the first person I met when I came here, and I want to be the last person to see you before you go." Ryan explained. "Deal. I don't think I could deal with saying good bye to you anyway." Marissa responded. The next morning found the four friends still sitting around the model home, wanting to cherish every minute together. "I should go home and pack and start saying my goodbyes, so I'll see you there." Marissa commented, standing up from the bench she was sitting on. "I'll come with you. See you soon guys." Summer agreed, following Marissa to her car.

_I've found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over new_

_And the reason is you_

"So seriously, how are you doing?" Seth asked curiously as he and Ryan drove to the Cooper-Roberts residence an hour later. "I have no idea. I mean I want her to be happy, and this obviously makes her happy, but I've gotten used to saving her, and now I can't do anything." Ryan explained. "You can. You can be on her side and don't make her doubt herself." Seth responded. "I won't. I'm proud of her and of the steps she's made in the right direction, but I'll miss her." Ryan analyzed. "I know, we all will, but we have to be strong for her." Seth responded. "Since when did you get to be so smart?" Ryan asked. "It's the line I'll have to use when Summer is crying on my shoulder about missing her crime in partner." Seth responded.

_I'm sorry that I hurt you_

_It's something I must live with everyday_

_And all the pain I put you through_

_I wish that I could take it all away_

_And be the one who catches all your tears_

_That's why I need you to hear_

"So what will you miss the most?" Summer asked Marissa as she packed her suitcase. "The diner, spending time with you, being your step sister." Marissa responded as she put her neatly folded tops in her suitcase. "Not Ryan?" Summer asked curiously. "Of course Ryan, but we're not getting back together. He's one of the reasons I'm taking this trip. I need to focus on myself, not on rekindling our romance." Marissa responded. "I know and I understand that, but would it be so bad if you two got back together?" Summer questioned. "Right now yes. The next time Ryan and I get back together it has to be for good. I can't be stuck in a relationship where we break up one day and make up the next. I deserve better and so does Ryan. Now help me finish packing here?" Marissa pleaded.

_I've found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over new_

_And the reason is you_

_And the reason is you_

_And the reason is you_

_And the reason is you_

"So, you'll call when you get to Greece?" Summer asked, tears streaming down her face. "Of course I will Sum. I'll miss you sweetie." Marissa commented, hugging her best friend warmly. "You better come back with a tan, and tell me if you meet a cute Greek by and decide to live there." Summer ordered. "So, I'll be here when you get back." Seth commented shyly. "Yup, and we'll have some Marissa-Seth time. You can even teach me how to use your dreaded playstation." Marissa responded, hugging Seth. "These are for you. For the plane ride and for the boat." Seth explained as he nervously as he handed Marissa a plastic bag filled with comic books. "Thanks Seth. You and I never got off to the best start, but take care of Summer for me. I can only trust you with her. Of course if you break her heart, Ryan has my authorization to kick your ass." Marissa joked as she hugged Seth one last time. A few minutes later Marissa was done saying her goodbyes and she walked with Ryan to her waiting car, turning around to wave at her friends and family. Even when she got in the car, she turned around and waved happily, looking at the people who loved her until they turned a corner and she didn't see them dissolve into tears. Marissa did not see Seth hold Summer as she shook from the force of the tears streaming down her eyes, she didn't see her mother go inside and cry in the privacy of her own room and she didn't see Kirsten apologize for failing to keep Marissa safe and out of trouble.

_I'm not a perfect person_

_I never meant to do those things to you_

_And so I have to say before I go_

_That I just want you to know_

"So, you've got everything?" Ryan asked embarrassingly. "I do. Listen Ryan, I can't trust myself to tell you everything I want right now, because I'm too emotional, so I wrote you this letter. Just don't open it till I'm gone. I don't want you to react to everything in it till I'm gone." Marissa explained as she handed Ryan a sealed envelope with his name printed on it. "Are you sure?" Ryan asked hopefully. "If you open it now I'll either never get on the plane or I'll never come back. I always need to have my hope to keep me going." Marissa explained as her flight was announced over the loudspeakers. "That's me. So take care of yourself and we'll see each other again soon. I promise." Marissa whispered as she buried herself in Ryan's arms. "I know I can't save you Rissa. That's the only reason why I'm letting you go. So do this, and then we'll see where you and I go." Ryan responded as he kissed the top of Marissa's head. "So we still have a chance?" Marissa asked hopefully. "We'll see Rissa. Just go do this for yourself, you know. Concentrate on being healthy again." Ryan ordered as he brushed the stray tears that had fallen down Marissa's cheeks. "I'll miss you Atwood. Just watch over everyone for me. I need you to keep them all together." Marissa explained before turning to leave. The minute she turned around the corner Marissa dissolved into tears, leaning against a wall, slowly falling down it. Marissa was still crying when she reached her departure gate ten minutes later. Just as she was leaving her cell phone beeped, telling her that someone had sent her a text message. Marissa sighed as she opened her cell phone and read the message which read. "Please don't go. I know what you made me promise, but I can't keep this promise. Come back to me." Marissa smiled through her tears and held her ticket in her hand, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly a smile appeared on her face and she took her cell phone and dialed a familiar number. "Hey dad? I hope I didn't wake you up." Marissa began her conversation, walking away from the departure gate.

_I've found a reason for me_

_To change who I used to be_

_A reason to start over new_

_And the reason is you_

Ryan walked to his car, tears stinging his eyes, but he didn't let them fall until he got into his car. He also decided to open the letter Marissa had written to him right then and there. It was a one paged note which read: _Dear Ryan, I've been up half the night trying to decide what and how much to tell you, and then I remembered something. You and I have always been honest with each other, so here it goes. Herein are all the things I want to say to you tomorrow, but will probably not be able to due to the emotional state I will be in. I'll start easy: I will miss everything about Newport Beach. My friends, my family, the beach, the shopping, the diner, the bait shop, but above all you. I'll miss you with every breath I'll take and every day. I'll miss seeing you smile and spending time with you. But know this: You will be with me every time I want to take a drink or take drugs telling me I deserve better and the quicker I become better the quicker I can come back to you. I never meant to hurt you and I am sorry for all the times I have. I am sorry for DJ and Alex. I am sorry for disappointing you and letting you go. Above all I am sorry I have to leave you now, when I need you the most. But if I don't, I'll never be able to stand on my own two feet. I'll always need you to save me, and now I need to save myself and that scares me, but maybe that's a good thing. I trust you to be the glue that keeps everyone else strong. I want you to tell Kirsten time and time again that this was not her fault. Spend time with Seth. He'll need someone to rely on and keep his mind off Summer who will be a wreck, but Seth will be her rock and her true north (or I hope so). Tell Dr. Roberts that I want to spend time as a family when I come back and that my mother might push him away but he'll have to persevere. As for me, I'll rely on myself and the knowledge that I'll be coming back to all of you soon and that I'll miss you all terribly. Lastly, I love you truly and deeply Ryan. Having said that I also want you to know that I hope you'll wait for me to come back. By now you're either in tears or you're thinking that I am crazy. Promise me that if you're in tears you won't try to stop me, because you'll be able to. Let me do this for myself so that I can come back to you stronger than ever and we can give our relationship one last go, if you want to. I'm telling you these things now, because I have nothing to loose. I can't be stuck in a relationship where I am breaking up and making up with my boyfriend all the time. It's just not fair to you or to me. I am tired now, and this letter has already run over what I thought it would. Take care of yourself and I'll see you in a few months Atwood. Marissa._ Ryan wiped the tears that were now flowing freely down his cheeks and he picked up his cell phone to send a text message, hoping he wasn't too late.

_I've found a reason to show_

_A side of me you didn't know_

_A reason for all that I do_

_And the reason is you_

As soon as Ryan walked into the pool house he smiled broadly at the sight he faced: Marissa sitting on a corner of his bed. "Hi" he greeted sitting down next to her. "I was just about to leave. I was at the gate in fact when I got your message." Marissa uttered. "When I read your letter I couldn't let you go like that. I thought you might forgive me for breaking a promise." Ryan responded as he approached Marissa tentatively. "I'll still need to go to rehab. My will isn't enough any more." Marissa explained. "We'll do this together, step by step. Saving you is my thing. If you take that away from me, what will you leave me with?" Ryan asked. "A poor boy from Chino with fists of fury." Marissa jokingly responded. "So what happens with us next?" Marissa asked seriously. "We take it slow. You go to Suriak, and then we'll see. We might even go to Berkley together after Christmas." Ryan responded. "Sound good to me." Marissa agreed before leaning to kiss Ryan deeply.

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	2. Hero

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song which is one of my favorites. Enjoy!!**

Marissa made sure she had packed everything from the room that had become her home over the past 3 months. Her eyes fell on her bedside table where a photo of the fantastic 4 sat. It was part of the get better soon and come back to us care package she had taken with her. The photo had been taken right after graduation with the 4 still in their caps and gowns. Marissa smiled as she took the picture and barely had enough time to put it on top of her suitcase before a familiar voice asked her "are you ready to go Rissa?". Marissa nodded and sighed deeply as she left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

There's a hero  
If you look inside your heart  
You don't have to be afraid  
Of what you are  
There's an answer  
If you reach into your soul  
And the sorrow that you know  
Will melt away

"So I know you didn't want a whole welcoming party, so Summer thought we should all just have lunch together at the diner. Keep it low key." Ryan explained. Marissa nodded her head, not turning to look at Ryan, preferring to look outside through the window. A few minutes later Ryan parked his car outside the diner and turned to look at Marissa. "Here we are." Ryan commented. Marissa wordlessly grabbed her purse and walked towards the diner followed by a bewildered Ryan. As soon as Marissa walked into the diner she was enveloped in a warm hug by Seth and Summer. "How are you Coop?" Summer asked, happy to have her best friend back. "I'm fine Sum. Just tired." Marissa responded, seating on the one said of the booth, Ryan taking a seat next to her. Marissa's hand automatically reached for Ryan's, causing him to smile weakly.

And then a hero comes along  
With the strength to carry on  
And you cast your fears aside  
And you know you can survive  
So when you feel like hope is gone  
Look inside you and be strong  
And you'll finally see the truth  
That a hero lies in you

After lunch Marissa extracted three letters from her purse and laid them down in the middle of the table. "So, my therapist thought I should put pen to paper and write down all my thoughts. I know they're no good, but I would like it if you would read them. It'll help me and you." Marissa explained. Seth, Summer and Ryan reached for their letters simultaneously and ripped them open, curious to see what Marissa had to say to them. The silence that followed was nerve wracking for Marissa who chewed her nails nervously as she waited for her friends to finish their letters and look at her. Ryan, Summer and Seth wordlessly read their letters in an attempt to understand what Marissa went through and how they could help her stay clean and sober and above all happy.

It's a long road  
When you face the world alone  
No one reaches out a hand  
For you to hold  
You can find love  
If you search within yourself  
And the emptiness you felt  
Will disappear

_Dear Seth,_

_I don't know how to begin, so here it goes. I'm sorry I pushed you away this past year. I know that you and I didn't have the best of beginnings, but it was our beginning. I know that you and I are different, but we have more in common that meets the eye at first. It's been a pleasure knowing you Seth and I'm sorry I ignored you for so long. It was easier than being known as the girl who hung out with the wrong crowd, but when I crashed it was you who was there to help me, not my other so called friends._

_I hope that you can forgive my behavior this past year, but I spiraled out of control. It was supposed to be the best year ever, and it ended up being the one I learned the most in. I learned to just take one day at a time. Take care of yourself Cohen._

_Love,_

_Marissa _

And then a hero comes along  
With the strength to carry on  
And you cast your fears aside  
And you know you can survive  
So when you feel like hope is gone  
Look inside you and be strong  
And you'll finally see the truth  
That a hero lies in you

_My dear Sum,_

_How can I even begin apologizing to you? It was easier to push you away than to admit I needed your help. I thought that you were all happy without me and that you would get rid of me sooner or later, so I withdrew from the fantastic 4 before I was kicked out. I know what you must be thinking, and I know I was stupid now, but then I thought I was doing you all a favor. You're my best friend Sum and I hope that all can be forgiven over time and that our friendship isn't broken, just bended out of shape_

_I love you Summer Roberts and I don't know what I'll do if I loose your friendship over this, but I'll understand if I do. All I want is for you to be happy and smiling and if we have to not be friends for that to happen, then so be it. Just know that Brown is lucky to have you sweetie and you are luck to have Seth by your side. Keep on smiling Sum!!!_

_Love,_

_Marissa_

Lord knows  
Dreams are hard to follow  
But don't let anyone  
Tear them away  
Hold on  
There will be tomorrow  
In time  
You'll find the way

_Ry,_

_I owe you the biggest apology of all and yet asking for your forgiveness is the hardest because I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me, but I don't know what I'll do if you decide that enough is enough. I know you've probably heard the same promises many times in your life, but I want to start again with you. I know what I don't have the right to ask for it, but I am anyway. I'm asking for a chance to prove to you that I can be happy and clean and sober and that I know that happiness is not in the bottom of a bottle but rather in being with good friends and an even better partner._

_I love you Ryan, and that scares me. This fight against alcohol is one I had to fight alone, and I did it, and now all I'm asking for is the chance to get my life back on track. I hope it will be given to me, but even if it's not, I understand and I hope we can keep in touch._

_Love,_

_Rissa_

And then a hero comes along  
With the strength to carry on  
And you cast your fears aside  
And you know you can survive  
So when you feel like hope is gone  
Look inside you and be strong  
And you'll finally see the truth  
That a hero lies in you

Marissa looked at her friends as they looked up from their letters, tears in their eyes. "Our friendship is super resilient Coop. It's unbreakable even. I can't function without you sweetie, and I'll need you when Cohen gets on my nerves." Summer explained, her voice cracking with emotion. "Marissa sometimes later is better than never. Truth be told I didn't know how to approach you either. You're a good person Marissa, now it's time for you to see what we all see. A wonderful strong and confident person who can do anything she sets her mind to." Seth agreed with Summer. "You're right about one thing Rissa. I've heard the same promises again and again in my life and no one's kept them. The only difference is that I have faith in you. Maybe we won't work long term, but I know that you can do anything you want to do. Plus it would be sad and pathetic if we were at the same university and didn't want too see each other. I could never turn my back on you Rissa." Ryan commented, reaching for Marissa's hand. "Thank you all. I don't deserve you, but I want to try and make you proud of me." Marissa responded on the brink of tears. "Yeah well you're stuck with us Marissa." Seth joked, causing everyone to laugh.

Read and revew!!!!


	3. I swear

_Usual disclaimer: Al I own is my own imagination that tends to go wild when I let it._

_My dearest Ryan,_

_I'm sitting here in my wedding dress, in front of a mirror on our wedding day and even now, half an hour before we become man and wife I want to tell you certain things, which explains why I am writing this, my last letter as Marissa Cooper to you. I want you to know that I love you. I've always loved you, even when we weren't together. You mean the world to me Ryan Atwood, and I see my life, past present and future in your eyes and your sole. I know that nothing can make me happier than I already am today, but I suddenly felt like if I wrote all these things down on paper it might make them even more true or easier to understand._

You're there by my side

In every way

I know that you would not forsake me

I give you my life

Would not think twice

Your love is all I need believe me

_I don't even know where to begin, so I might as well just right whatever comes to my head until I have some idea of how I want this letter to go and what I want it to say. If I had to think about it honestly, I would say that the first time I fell in love with you was when we met for the first time. You gave me the cheesiest pick up line, and I fell for you and your deep blue eyes that even then showed maturity beyond your years. I never meant o hurt you or push you away and yet it seemed like that was all I was doing. I still remember the look on your face when I chose to believe Oliver over you and how long it took you to trust me again, and by the time you were ready for a second attempt at a relationship, it seemed as if god had a different plan for us, and we became spectators to a turn of events and lead you back home and me down a dark path I would take time and time again._

I may not say it quite as much as I should

When I say I love you darling that means for good

So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

This I swear

_By the time you came back from Chino I found a new escape from Newport and I began dating D.J. just because my mom hated him. I was mad at the world then, and I thought you were gone for good. When you came back, I was in shock and I was too far gone to care about anything other than booze, so I didn't care about loosing you to Lindsey or the end of my relationship. Alex came into my life and again I began dating her and I moved in with her just to test my mother. Did I ever have any real feelings for either of them??? To this day I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that I never felt the way I did around you. By the time I realized that and we began dating Trey had made his way back into your life and I thought that if I tried to like him, he would stick around and you would be happy. All my life, all my actions have been dictated by my desire for your happiness and this has led me to do stupid things and has gotten me into a load of trouble, but as you know when forced to choose sides, I can't live without you Ryan, plain and simple._

I'm wondering how I ever got by

Without you in my life to guide me

Where ever I go the one thing that's true

Is everything I do I do for you

I may not say it half as much as I should

When I say I love you darling that means for good

So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

This I swear

_Senior year began with a bang literally and again I became a spectator to my own life and events caught up with me. I thought you didn't understand me and that you had stopped loving me, so leaving you and Harbor for a public school education and new friends made sense to me. I never meant to be a burden on anyone or to make Johnny fall in love with me. I wanted to stay the hell away from anyone and everyone who I knew and who knew me. I became so attached to Johnny that when he died I thought that drugs and alcohol could numb my sorrow and my guilt, but it just made me like so many people in you life. I chose booze and drugs over you and you let me go, and thank god you did._

So whenever you get weary

Just reach out for me

I'll never let you down my love

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

_By the time the school year had ended and we graduated I knew one thing to be true: The way back to your heart and back to my life was to choose life over death, love over booze, reality over fakeness. The road was hard and trying, but I did it. For you, for me, for my mom, and even for Sum, and by the New Year I was a girl with a new outlook on life and I was going places: Berkley to be exact. I know I made your life difficult and confusing at time, but you never let me go and I was always scared of loosing you, of loosing what we've always had, through good times and bad. You were a good thing in my life Ryan, and I didn't know who to react to you, because good things never happened to us Cooper women. Please forgive me for all the pain I cause you and know that I love you now forever and always and I am not letting you go any time soon._

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

Ohh we'll get there

This I swear

_It's almost time for us to get married and I guess this trip down memory lane should end with the day you proposed to me. I remember it as if it was yesterday. You came from work tired and I was working in the garden, pulling out some weeds and probably venting my frustration at my mom again. You came up behind me and said I had never looked as beautiful as I did in that moment. I was wearing an old pair of muddy jeans and one of your t-shirts. My hair was tied back in a loose bun. I remember laughing at you to get serious and then, in the middle of the garden you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life me and have children with me. It took me a couple of minutes to realize exactly what you were saying, but I said yes. That was six months ago, and nothing could make me happier. See you at the end of the aisle Ryan. Maybe at the reception I'll even let you read this letter._

_All my love,_

_Marissa Cooper Atwood (I had to add on your last name)_


End file.
